Sunday 21 November 2010

(10pts) Is the man I'm in love with emotionally abusing me?

Last year I met an incredibly strange and mysterious man. He's 31, and I'm 20. We quickly became close friends, and then lovers. He left his girlfriend and moved into my neighborhood. Every night before he goes off to bed in his apartment, he drives down to have dinner with me for an hour.





He's a business man and is always at the office, but he sees me as often as he can.





For a year, he filled me with sweet promises and plans of marriage. However, he always had excuses as to why we shouldn't be ';boyfriend/girlfriend';, and why we have to stay in secret. He was afraid that people might look down at him about the age difference, he thought he wasn't good enough...bla bla bla. Recently, he admitted that he's just ';not ready to be committed to me.';





This man has been making love to me with his words and his body now for a year, and now suddenly he's not ';capable of being in it romantically';?





So no one knows about us. He pretends like we barely know eachother when we're hanging out with mutual friends...but then every evening he comes and smiles and hugs me and tells me he loves me. It's so confusing. When I press him and tell him he needs to get his act together, he gets angry and says that he already gives me as much time of his day that he can (which is the 1 hour in the evening). He lives a stone's throw away, I can see his parked car whenever he's home, so I know he doesn't go out and sleep with other people. He also says I'm incapable of being sympathetic to his plight, and that he's also in pain. It's hard to be though, when he holds all the power and choice to make me happy in his hands. When I accuse him of not loving me, he looks disgusted and threatens to leave me.





I am so besotted with him. I can't stop thinking about him. Sometimes I think that he forced me to fall in love with him...because it's almost like I had no choice. I'm completely at his mercy, and I try so hard to break away because whenever he isn't holding me, I feel unloved and ignored by him. I'm so used to being treated like gold by men. In past relationships, men have worshiped the ground I walk on. So it's hurtful to have a guy have sex with you and tell you that he loves you every single night, and then have him ignore you throughout the day and know that he could disappear and no one would even know that we shared something special.





Something about this relationship isn't healthy. I know this. I've tried to break it off several times, but each time he tells me ';we're going to work it out,'; and then I think ';I'll try again.'; He asks me to be patient with him, but I don't know how long I can be before my heart just breaks.





I want to make it work. And he's always willing to love me...he just can't seem able to take it that extra mile and commit to me immediately, even though he always hints that we'll be together in the future.





Help! I need outside input and an outsider's perspective.(10pts) Is the man I'm in love with emotionally abusing me?
His ';plight';?? He's in ';pain';? Give me a break. You're being played, girl...and this guy sounds like he's pretty good at it, but I can see right through it.





';whenever he isn't holding me, I feel unloved and ignored by him'; -- He WANTS you to feel that way, so that when he does come around, you're grateful to see him.





';He was afraid that people might look down at him about the age difference'; -- Bullsh@*#. No one's going to look down on him and he knows it; if anything, his guy buddies will high-five him for having a hot young girlfriend. It's an excuse.





';we have to stay in secret'; -- You gave quite a few excuses for this...and you're absolutely right. They ARE excuses. He doesn't want anyone to know that he's dating you exclusively because he wants to seem available for other women. Just because you don't see his car move doesn't mean that he's not sleeping with other women. Men can be VERY sneaky about it; all that time he claims to spend at his job is very likely a lie, he probably leaves early all the time and is sure to get home at the same time every day to keep up appearances with you. Don't think that men won't go to so much trouble! They totally will. Think about it...he's gone to the trouble of creating a web of lies to keep you securely in place.





';He asks me to be patient with him'; -- He's using this one to appeal to your better nature, as well as his crap about how much pain he's in. He wants you to feel sorry for him, and he wants to force you to be all gracious and kind-hearted and crap so you'll overlook all the things that don't add up.





';He pretends like we barely know eachother when we're hanging out with mutual friends'; -- He wants his friends to think he's available so they're sure to introduce him to other women.





';it's hurtful to have a guy have sex with you and tell you that he loves you every single night, and then have him ignore you throughout the day'; -- EXACTLY. He knows it hurts you. Any idiot would know. And clearly you've expressed your emotional discomfort at this. Yet, he continues to do it. If this man cared one bit about you, he would NOT want you to hurt like this. If he really loved you, he would be PROUD that he was in a relationship with you, he would WANT everyone to know! That, my dear, is the bottom line. There are no excuses for this man. There are no circumstances. He's a bonafide player, and you deserve so much better!





Personally, I think you should call him up and tell him to f-off. Seriously. And when he starts whining that you can work it out, remind him that he's said the same things five thousand times before and you'll be trading him in for a newer model...for a boyfriend that will actually tell people he's in a relationship with you. Tell him that you're SO over him, so he can feel free to bring his other secret girlfriends around. :)





Oh and don't worry, he'll never do it because he'd be scared they'd find out about each other.





Good luck, and get rid of him!(10pts) Is the man I'm in love with emotionally abusing me?
Sounds Like He Is In Another RealationShip Hun, Maybe You Should Talk To His Friends Or His '' Ex ''
It kind of sounds like he's married and you're the mistress. might want to check that out.
Yeah, there is definitely something wrong there - at least you see that. I personally think he likes having you wrapped around his finger and powerless.


It is kind of confusing though. I don't understand why he wouldn't want anyone to know about you - it's not like it's illegal or something.


I think it's possible that he's kind of using you. I mean, he says he loves you and you say he only sleeps with you, but he doesn't want commitment? That's a little ridiculous if you've been sleeping with him for a year and he talks about marriage and stuff. Like the other two people said, you might be his mistress.


This really isn't a good situation to be in. I think you should leave him for sure. It will be hard since you're so infatuated with him, but it's not healthy to feel this way.


You'll have to ignore him and really step back from the situation. Is that ONE hour a day REALLY worth all of the other hours you feel emotional turmoil over this? I don't think it is.


You really really need to leave him and not let him swindle you into getting back with him.





I hope I helped a little. Good luck :)
Outside prospective .....PLEASE .... inside prospective ....HUM ....I like outside perspective and pandoras gem bracelets ...and a new cd disc of my cowboys .... how giving are you?How smart are you ? hummmmmm I like chocolates too...orange creams!
He really doesn't sound like he's to serious. Sounds like he's trying to keep you holding on by telling you this and that so he can continue to have sex with you. If he really wanted to be with you nothing would stand in the way. Cut the sex and see if he stays around. He's leading you on and telling you want he thinks you want to hear. Break it off with him for a while and see what he does. Maybe he has a significant other, why do I say that because for one you have known him for a year and two he wants to keep it a secret and the final one is he just can't seem able to take it that extra mile and commit. Even though you care for him i would forget him and fine someone else. Don't let him use you. Talk is cheap without action. Good Luck.
I think you're spoiled....period. And i think you let a man walk all over you and take you for granted. You seem like you expect alot from a man, especially in this case. It seems like this man just wants to be your booty call, your gigalo. He wants to have someone there for him when he needs to get his rocks off. He might love you and all but it doesnt seem in the way you want him to love you. Are you sure you are the only woman this guy is playing with? I dont think its the age difference he is worried about. Seems much more than that. Like he is leading a double life and somewhere he is married and has children. Many men who have younger girlfriends love to brag, take my man for example. He is 40 and I am 27 and he loves having a younger wife. There is something there that he is just not gonna tell you. And you can bug and bug but it seems like this man is here to play, not stay...sorry.

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